YOU SCREAM-A, I SCREAM-A

This is what happens after a visit to the army/navy surplus store.

Found this filed under “My Life and Hard Times”:

The names of my legal guardians have been blacked out for their own protection (from the molotov cocktails of child labor activists).

It was while spit-shining the windows (inside and out) on the family paddywagon that I first taught myself how to whistle this:

For the record, this arrangement was voided when I repeatedly failed to tuck in my Scout shirt.  All my younger siblings got handshake deals instead of legalese, and I blew my earnings on parachute men.

In homage to Andrew Sullivan’s View From Your Window, I’ll be posting hourly snapshots of my Grey Poupon collection.  Please link or email your own fridge content.  I must remain competitive with The Daily Dish.

Hour 1:

Hour 2:

Hour 4:

Next up: time lapse.

Summer listening:

Of the four thousand podcasts I subscribe to, only three have hooked me: The Best Show on WFMU, This American Life, and Radio Lab.  About this time last year, I even worked up the nerve to call into Best Show:

(The first four minutes provide the context for my call later in the show, near the end of this clip.)

“Good-bye.”  For the record, it was never my intention to humanize Head Geek.  But let’s face it, type II diabetes is no joke.  That said, here’s what one Austinite caller said during last month’s Best Show pledge drive: “This money was originally going to buy Harry Knowles a new wheelchair bib, but now: Best Show.”

Moving on.

Bob Dylan’s Theme Time Radio Hour, on XM Radio, is just as addictive.  Because it is unavailable as a podcast, the show seems to have attracted little attention since its debut in 2006.  (Does anyone actually subscribe to XM?)  Each show is built around a theme, similar to This American Life and Radio Lab.  Bob Dylan ruminates between songs related to a theme:

From “Food”:

From “Money”:

From “Sleep”:

There’s even a show devoted to songs about Cadillacs.  General Motors used it (and him) in the following commercial:

Dylan famously said he would never sell his music to commercial interests, joking that he’d make an exception only for ladies garments.  Which he did, thirty something years later:

Fan response:

Visit the Unofficial Theme Time Radio Hour Archive for more.

Before the backlash against swine flu sensationalism reaches a fever pitch, give Alex Jones a chance:

To the cynics who say these are just more of the same “boy who cried pig” scare tactics, I ask you to look into the future, and watch this PG-13 video about the dangers of treating this outbreak too lightly.  It documents the largest, most prophetic, hog-related diorama ever seen, filmed in macro focus.  Stills:

More info here.  And

here.

Last week I went to Utah, where everything is white.  This is the (exhaustive) video diary.  My to-do list included, in order of importance: bobsled, ski, conquer area vertical wind tunnel, attend brother’s wedding.  Of the four, skiing happened.  Skiing is what happened to my eye, now lazier than before:

There was an accident.  I took this self portrait to confirm the presence of blood, since all bros present pretended not to the know the tenderfoot crying, “am I bleeding?” on repeat.  The eventual black eye was likely karmic payback for cheating the “cans for lift tickets” system:

Afterward, I bought myself rocky road:

We then hit up the Salt Lake Public Library, the nicest homeless shelter around.  When I pointed out that it was voted Library of the Year 2006, Keaton pointed out that is was “not much of a library”, yawned, and later farted in a glass elevator:

I retaliated by shoving ice cream in his face, then educating him on the origin of the Stanky Leg:

In Utah, (where is Utah’s Yakov Smirnoff?) everyone goes home at sundown.  So we checked in at my brother’s house.  Here’s how Curt and his roomies cope with cabin fever during the winter months:

Amped up by this stunt, some onlookers started a wrestling tournament in the living room.  Keaton, Alex, and I were even invited to participate.  We went to a nearby cafe instead, where we held an apple juice sipping contest:

It ended in a tie.  Perhaps bothered by the sensitivity of his gag reflex, Alex lashed out by destroying the cafe’s study hall ambiance with one of those poppers sold by most ice cream men.  It was akin to yelling FIRE in a crowded movie theater, combined with the sound of a needle scratching a record, if that record was a field recording of gunshots:

This is how I remember it:

After that, we decided to call it a night.

In the morning, over Cheerios, I tortured my niece, Reagan.  Her favorite food is orange peels, but she calls them apples, and eats them like candy.

We tried taking her to a place called Jump On It, a warehouse decorated with trampolines, but she was outclassed by these mutants:

She settled for the arcade, an area Keaton normally excels in:

No mercy:

Even as a baby, he didn’t care about winning:

“Jump On It” happened to be near Thanksgiving Point, home of The Museum of Ancient Life.  It bills itself as the world’s largest dinosaur exhibit.  Maybe.  Mainly kid stuff, though I learned a couple things.

1) Not all dinosaurs have cool names:

2) I weigh as much as a Protoceratops:

3) The best thing about the exhibit had nothing to do with dinosaurs:

Around this time, everything becomes wedding related.  So.  Reflection time.  What have we learned?  When in Salt Lake, visit the public library and read about your next travel destination.

While you were bleeding:

We should all strive to dance more like this inspired young man:

Via Aziz is Bored

Leave nothing to chance.

ADDENDUM

Look what I started:

In Manor, Texas, computer illiteracy allows the homespun print publication to live another day.  Here is my new personal favorite, Bingo Gossip:

Available for free outside the general store, where you can also find Johnny Depp’s footprint.  No bull.  What’s Eating Gilbert Grape was filmed there.  See:

I read Bingo Gossip for the interviews.  Deborah Solomon: watch and learn.  Reprinted with Bill Boren’s permission:

Addendum: After posting this, I discovered that Bingo Gossip had already been reported on by…Gawker.  What a coup.  They call Bingo Gossip, “The Last Successful Newspaper”.

More bingo gossip:

Back in my short pants days, a friend got me this collapsible grappling hook from the Brooklyn Superhero Supply Company.  It has been stuck and left to rust in various trees ever since.  Great for entertaining adult children.  Stock photo:

Meanwhile, advances in grappling hook collapsibility have flown forward:

Look at all the stuff this one does:

Use It As A Specialized Grappling Hook To Remotely Capture Lines, Tear Down Phone Lines, Reposition Barbed Wire Emplacements, Disrupt Wires, Move Packages and Bags, Rake and Break Windows, Tear Down Blinds/Curtains in SWAT Entry Applications. Remove The Spikes From The Outside And Use It To Cast A Line. This is currently being used by military RTOs (Radio Telephone Operators) to string field expedient HF antennas.

Add “dislodging other grappling hooks” to the list.

See it in action:

More info on the future of grappling hooks here.